he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
