I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
