State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The air taste purple.
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