I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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