my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
