im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize