I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
