Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
