Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
