I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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