I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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