I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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