it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
