I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
