Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
