so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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