Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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