She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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