Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
