my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize