Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
