just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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