the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
