We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
