You're so nebulous sometimes
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
