He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
