you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
