is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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