Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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