Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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