I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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