Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
