i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
