her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am midnight drunk by noon
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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