So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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