feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
