so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
