Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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