i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
