Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
