I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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