Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
