So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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