I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
