This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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