If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
