if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Houston, we have a blender
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
