I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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