Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
