Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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