Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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