"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
