my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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