I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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