How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
