sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
