if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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