She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
