are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
